Communication has to be up there in the top 3 issues that bring couples into counseling. (The other two are infidelity and neglect of the relationship).
Often there’s no shortage of words being uttered towards someone, but what is heard by the person being spoken to may be quite different from what was said, or meant. Frequently, we tune out what our partner is saying. We may feel it’s unimportant, or we simply don’t want to know what they’re trying to bring to our attention. Perhaps the thought is it’s not of interest (although it might be to person sharing!), or it’s been heard before (could it be that it’s being repeated because there was no acknowledgement of the message having been received?).
For whatever the reason, the experience of not being listened to can have disastrous results. Who as a kid didn’t at times feel invisible? That disheartening feeling can soon reappear if as adults, comments to our partners go unheard, unacknowledged, ignored.
Be empathic to others experience of not being heard, and feeling invisible. Recall a past experience you’ve had of feeling ignored as someone appears to disregard what you’ve said, not respond, or utter a non-sequitor remark seemingly quite unrelated to your remark or comment.
I’m sure you’ve never ever had the thought “I wish they’d stop talking so I can concentrate on my email/program/daydream”!
Remembering how it felt yourself can help you pause before doing it to others.
Tuning out or not responding – even if it’s unintentional – are just examples of being non-receptive towards another person, and therefore fundamentally disrespectful towards them.
Over time, between couples, this pattern becomes habitual. The distance grows, negative feelings and thoughts towards your partner take root in your consciousness and continue to color your perceptions of them. This doesn’t bode well for the emotional safety optimally required in relationships for the partners to develop emotional closeness.
So, communication is a very important skill to cultivate. The Buddha taught about ‘right speech’. Before speaking, think first, and ask yourself, is what I’m going to say truthful or honest, is it kind and will it further the situation?
