An obscure reference perhaps, like what does this have to do with me, and how I see the world?

Well, actually a lot! Someone who has an habitual way of seeing things, be it relationships, others reactions to you, or whatever, is someone who will find the evidence to support their story/belief. For example, if I believe myself to be unlovable, all interactions I have with an attractive single man that don’t lead to a date, will be further ‘proof’ that my belief that I’m unlovable is true. In fact, there could be and most likely are numerous reasons why a date didn’t happen.

If I’m a ‘black print” type of person, my (faulty) belief will be reinforced. I’ll again see only the salient points I want, interpreting any outcome in a way it reinforces my storyline, that I’m unlovable.

If, on the other hand, I’m comfortable seeing the ‘white page the print is on’, then I have the cognitive flexibility to perceive a whole other component, another competing storyline that offers a more positive possibility. Maybe I can understand that the reason a date wasn’t in the offering was more to do with timing (he had to leave to pick up his cousin from the airport),  his last relationship had ended just 2 months earlier, and he didn’t feel ready, or he was coming down with something and didn’t feel up to continuing any flirtation! For any number of legitimate reasons, it didn’t go further at that time. My feeling that I’m unlovable, and that’s why he didn’t pursue it is a distortion my mind made. Just looking at the black print, not the white page will bring up old narratives that can’t take in the newer reality if that reality contradicts my storyline.

Mindfulness is one powerful way to develop the capacity to ‘see’ the white page. By this mental training that allows a moment by moment awareness to develop increases, among other attributes, the ability to allow other perspectives to be entertained. A spaciousness happens through an enlarged awareness ‘screen’, and previously unnoticed possibilities emerge. Without developing this mindful awareness, we can move through life literally ‘lost in thought’! Only aware of the most intense or gross experiences, or the most well-worn, familiar ones. The belief that “I’m unlovable” is an old familiar narrative, that’s not only gone unchallenged, but has been repeatedly reinforced.

Choose to learn to see the white page, not just the black type. Lay to rest all those old, faulty storylines that hold you hostage.

For whatever the reason, the experience of not being listened to can have disastrous results.  Who as a kid didn’t at times feel invisible?  That disheartening feeling can soon reappear if as adults, comments to our partners go unheard, unacknowledged, ignored.

Be empathic to others experience of not being heard, and feeling invisible. Recall a past experience you’ve had of feeling ignored as someone appears to disregard what you’ve said, not respond, or utter a non-sequitor remark seemingly quite unrelated to your remark or comment.
I’m sure you’ve never ever had the thought “I wish they’d stop talking so I can concentrate on my email/program/daydream”!

Remembering how it felt yourself can help you pause before doing it to others.

Tuning out or not responding – even if it’s unintentional –  are just examples of being non-receptive towards another person, and therefore fundamentally disrespectful towards them.

Over time, between couples, this pattern becomes habitual. The distance grows, negative feelings and thoughts towards your partner take root in your consciousness and continue to color your perceptions of them. This doesn’t bode well for the emotional safety optimally required in relationships for the partners to develop emotional closeness.

So, communication is a very important skill to cultivate. The Buddha taught about ‘right speech’. Before speaking, think first, and ask yourself,  is what I’m going to say truthful or honest, is it kind and will it further the situation?

Our self-image, or how we tend to think about ourselves, infiltrates virtually all the ways we are in the world. It influences the ways we see and feel about ourselves. How we behave, the level of participation in our relationships, what type of work as well as at what level of work are all choices we make accordingly in part due to our self-perceptions.

If, on one hand, you hold a self-perception that includes, say, an ability for adaptability, and accommodating new things (comfort with starting at the lower level of a learning curve and trusting you’ll be able to learn new stuff) then such a self-perception could lead to acquiring a wider range of skills, among other benefits.
On the contrary, a person whose internal messages relay the information that they don’t trust themselves to move outside their comfort zone of already learnt behaviors (or information, or perceptions…) may resort to limiting themselves of new experiences, preferring instead to stay with what they already know.
They may not trust themselves enough to know they are capable of learning something new.
The fundamental belief and therefore message underpinning the latter would go something like – ” why bother, I’m not good at that, I’ve never been able to __________(fill in the blank), I always mess up…I’ve always failed at….story of my life…”

Is it any wonder that risks aren’t taken if you’re exposing yourself to those subliminal messages continuously?

If you recognize yourself in this description, and many will, you are not alone! Sadly this is quite commonplace for those of us raised in the west.

A touching story relays when His Holiness The Dalai Lama was first told about this common western experience, he struggled to comprehend the concept. Such a thing was unknown among Tibetans, it turned out. After much dialogue, and questioning of terminology in order to fully understand this new concept, apparently the Dali Lama simply wept in response to this revelation out of compassion for the degree of suffering experienced by those believing themselves to be flawed.

The Buddha stated that “You could go all around the world, and not find anyone more deserving of love then yourself.” ‘Buddhanature’ refers to the inherent goodness we are all born with, and is our natural state.

Perhaps a better internal message is “I’m OK as I am, and there’s room for improvement!”

Softly but determinedly allowing that internal message to morph from ‘I’m flawed’ to ‘I’m OK’ means paying attention without being judgemental, developing awareness – the pre-requisite for any change, and the persistance to keep at it.

We become good at what we practice.

Some of us have a central nervous system calibrated on a higher frequency. The experience can be like being constantly reactive to all stimulas or cues from the environment. With cell phones, texts, emails, instant messaging, social networking “tweets” etc. this bombardment can be relentless. For those in this catagory when juggling the amount of the data input, plus attempts to respond, they’ll often experience overwhelm, even anxiety.

Anxiety is an emotional and mental state, accompanied by a  variety of  bodily sensations including common ones such as the heart thumping, tightness in the chest,  shallow breathing, maybe  the stomach in knotts.

Subjectively, the experiences may range from a slight uneasiness to full blown panic attack.

There may be altered breathing that alerts you to its presence – noticing that your breathing is short, tight, caught up in the throat or chest. Alternatively, a relaxed breath indicating the absence of anxiety may have longer cycles, softer, more flowing with an awareness of it originating in the belly, not the restricted chest or throat.

Emotional experiences that may predict anxiety are if you find yourself frequently experiencing fears or worries. The degree, frequency and intensity that you find yourself dealing with those states are key.

Every human being experiences worry or feeling fearful at some time in their life. But for some poeple it feels ever present, dominating their experience. Such people may describe themselves as “being a worry-wort”, or “often fearful”, or noticing they are “feeling too scared to do much of anything”.

Anxiety is trigged by our  ’fight or flight’ mechanism. This is an evolutionary hold-over. It’s no longer wooly mammoths that set it off. And it’s not just if nowadays a bus comes careening towards us, life-saving as it is to be able to react speedily and avoid a potential fatal accident.
In today’s tech-savvy wired world, our constant need to respond, or more accurately react, to whenever we are called, texted, emailed, or simply need to not have a void, conditions us to become numb to the constant experience of being  anxious, even mildly so. If we become numb to the presence of anxiety, we loose the ability to respond to it, or ponder what it’s trying to tell us. It then can move into the ‘driver’s seat’ in our life.

When anxiety is driving, our lives becomes limiting, constricted, smaller. Over time there are less and less ways to keep us within our comfort zone. Simultaneously the list of  what can provoke worry, or fear grows. These emotions in and of themselves become something to move away from too. It’s just too uncomfortable for most people to stay with the experience of feeling fear or worry.

For those who are courageous enough to do so, by paying deep attention, and having the curiosity to inquire into the feeling can learn much about themselves and the nature of the emotion.

This is a liberating, even novel way to respond. Mostly, our minds just want to distance from such an experience. But then we don’t learn how to respond skillfully. By allowing our curiosity to inquire into what’s really, accurately going on in that moment, by being more mindful, we learn much about anxiety, in addititon to adding to self-knowledge.

Bringing mindfulness to the moment helps anxiety to fade away. Anxiety is about the future mostly. That which hasn’t yet happened, and often never will! Staying with what is happening in the present reminds us to not let this emotion rule our lives, and exclude the present moment from awareness.

It can liberate you from the tyranny of the fear-driven, shrinking, worry-filled life. Instead, you can experience a peace of mind that is spacious, and calm.

Often, during my sessions with therapy clients, topics that are under discussion will give birth to points of wisdom. Sometimes lofty, other times pragmatic. My intention, at this time, is to choose ones to post and elaborate on that might offer insight, wisdom, advice, a solution or just plain satisfying a curiosity for anyone pondering a similar issue.

After all, what makes us tick, how we’re motivated, or even the least damaging way to approach a topic, or individual have worthwhile value to us all.

It’s all about learning to be skillful and relate to others with care, in the way we’d like to be related to by others.